Practitioner Testimony 2018 — no 39

August 2018 (testimony after a meeting with former interns)

It's been a while since I wanted to write to you.

I spent three wonderful days. It was rich in emotions. I was vibrating.

And then, I came back and realized that all these years, every time I left someone, a job, or a place, I was running away from myself.

I found myself facing something I didn't want to see, a being within me that suffered from every part of me. For two weeks, I cried at the slightest inconvenience, hoping not to wake up the next day. It was too painful. And my partner, who wasn't doing well, didn't help. We were embroiled in very negative emotions.

And then, I forced myself to be present, with or without an activator; I forced myself to be in the present, to listen and feel what was happening around me, and then within me.

And I felt an immense joy in these moments of total presence. I then wondered why I could feel such profound peace and such beautiful joy after such a deep and painful despair.

I was two beings. A Nathalie (a borrowed name) who was depressed and a joyful one. How is this possible?

I understood that this depressed being hated me and was afraid of everything, and I understood that it was not me.

It was formatted by the environment. It was my mind, not me. So I connect more and more to the present, to my being, and my emotions calm down. I can live real moments of fulfillment. I am hardly affected by my partner's mood swings anymore. And I have discovered that I can be in a real unconditional and painless love with him, and this makes me live magical moments.

As a result, my partner is doing better too.

So, I decided to stop being afraid, to calm this mind by being 100% in the present. I might have relapses, but I am on the right path.

I am going to rent a space to do dentosophy without a dental chair. For now, it seems the most just thing to do. I have to stop waiting for others. I want to experiment and see if we really need to be dentists to practice dento-humanosophy.

I am going to take a loan and I am not afraid. I know that it is just today to repay what I owe to the organizations and my former colleague. I know that life will provide me with what I need, as long as I work and live for pleasure, for my true self, not the one of fears.

I believe that I have finally taken the right path, I have opened the door to my hamster cage. Until now, I only changed the wheel to head into it and make it turn non-stop.

I have opened my cage and I do not know what will come out, but I feel that I am mutating. I believe that I am discovering myself and it is really a pleasant sensation.

I am not taking enough time for myself yet; I am still running a lot, but I have finally understood deep down where I had to go... towards a life aligned with my deepest desires.

I have already taken actions and done things that I was too afraid to do before; it's a good start.

I am really living, in this moment, moments of profound joy; sometimes it takes just a ray of sunlight in a tree and I feel like I have been blessed by an angel.

I notice that the more I live moments like these, the more people are adorable to me. At work, my patients become increasingly radiant. I start to believe that we really have the gift of making people happy when we go on our true path.

I often think about you and your wife (my wife suffers from Alzheimer's disease) and I understand what you describe (see my last book 'From Selfishness to Love'), this unconditional love that you have for her.

I know it's to a lesser extent, but sometimes my partner has these sadistic crises, as I call them. Before, it drove me crazy! How could he let himself be overwhelmed by despair while I was hiding mine, making sure not to wallow. I thought he didn't have the right to be so sad. And the other night, during a crisis of sadness, I felt an enormous surge of love for this being, rather this mind, because I know it's not him, it's his mind. And despite the situation, I was in love and thus a profound joy of living this situation with presence.

I think I will manage to silence this thinking being that I was.

I stopped using social media.

I did a sorting of my relationships.

I live in a 25 square meter attic and I am discovering happy simplicity.

I do not know what my job will be tomorrow, but I believe I will invent it.

I still have dark hours where the desire not to wake up is still present. But the difference now is that I know it's just a projection of my mind, so I watch it pass like a train that temporarily disrupts the calm of the countryside.

If I hadn't met my partner, I wouldn't have been able to stop running away, to force myself to see what was inside me.

Life is well made. It was time and THEY knew so they pushed me to grow.

I thank you for your spark.

I wish you a wonderful day.